Sex and the Perfect Man

I own up.  I am a man.  Not a perfect man – if I even knew what that might be.  Or only perfect in the pure sense that we are all perfect expressions of the God-mind.

Am I a good Man?  Am I honourable, possessed of integrity?  Can I be trusted?   By everyone?   What would I have to do to be trusted by everyone?  What would I have to do to be trusted by women?

There is a joke about a Scotsman who had been found to possess a still and was before the judge charged with illicit whisky production.  He pleaded innocence because it was not being used, so when the prosecutor said accusingly “but you have the apparatus”, asked for the second offence of rape to be taken into consideration.

All men are rapists.  We all have the apparatus.  We all have the mammalian biological program for indiscriminate procreation.   In varying degrees, all heterosexual men are armed and dangerous.  Most have unfulfilled needs for love and affection too, and all women have the potential to fulfil needs that were not met in infancy by their mothers.  And bearing in mind that rape is a crime principally about power not desire, all men may use sex for multiple motives, including anger and revenge.

And what of women?  What is the female program?  Here I rely on observation not inner knowledge and what I observe includes the corresponding desire to find missing childhood affection, the failed father figure, to express anger through offering and refusing, to gain power through seduction, to meet unconscious needs through manipulation of sexual desire, to gain power by proxy and association.   All women have the apparatus too.   When the tits are flashed or the knickers drop, a man’s intelligence heads due South at light-speed.  When she has them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow

Mankind has lived through all history in this tension; men abusing women and women using men.  And because none of us were to be trusted, Blue invented rules to govern our sexual impulses.  The apostle Paul got exercised over the sin of fornication and legitimized it only within marriage, and even then only as long as you promise not to enjoy it, and only to do it for procreation.  Red uses it for Power, Orange for Status, and Green for bonding.  (Just for completeness I speak throughout of the heterosexual realm, and while I have no other experience, believe all the principles here generalize, but are less clearly defined by cultural programs.)

On such foundations we have built relationships.   Over the top of our unconscious and primitive natures we have overlaid love, something which we experience, but rarely understand.  In face of the many kinds of love, we invest one of them with complete primacy.  I must have a soul-mate, someone who will meet all my needs, someone who will love me unconditionally forever, someone who will make sure that I am never insecure again.  Never. 

It only takes a miniscule amount of honesty to recognise that we invest a great deal of our security in our relationships.  Perhaps we can own up to the fact that our love is conditional.  “If you love me you will want to have sex with me whenever I want it.  You will be turned on by the same things I am.  You will want to spend all your time with me – to walk by the sea rather than watch rugby.  You will bring me flowers, cook my meals, iron my shirts.  But most of all, you will not feel sexual love for anyone else, will not even look at another man or woman, still less act upon your desire.  If you do I will feel threatened and will have the right to accuse you of betrayal.  My fear that you will leave me will have nothing to do with my own insecurities, my own inability to be whole unto myself.  I will expect you to feel guilt for what you have done.  I will expect society to see me as the victim.  I will not be required to examine my own failures to commit, to give of myself, to be tolerant, open, honest.   The third party will by definition be either a seducer or a victim of abuse.  There is no possibility of innocence, and the idea that you, or I or anyone else might deeply love more than one person, and that a sexual expression of that love might be legitimate.”

One characteristic of the transition to second tier existence is that we move away from motivation that is rooted in fear, that we release the desire for power and control, that we take out the conditionality which supports strategic manipulation, that we find an openness and honesty and human care that replaces and transcends these limited ways of being.  All of this includes greater awareness of the relationship between sex and spirituality.  The depictions of angels don’t show genitals.  We have the apparatus.

I have experienced betrayal – for the sake of my current partner I emphasise not by her.  There were two sides to that story.  Yes, there was abuse, but I also saw my own weaknesses in these areas – the ways in which I was not giving, was expecting someone else to fill the bucket with a hole in it.   I have been monogamous for twenty years and don’t know if that will ever change.  But I also know what I have felt, and that my choices are not fully free.  They are conditioned by first-tier circumstances and first-tier ways of being – both mine and others.

Even so, I believe that it is time that those of us who aspire to integral perspectives, to more enlightened ways of being and to dealing with our shadow selves should stop wallowing in the tacky stuff.  It is time to end the prurience which draws our interest towards the peccadilloes of others.  It is time for us to stop looking for perpetrators and victims.  It is time to question the judgements that we make about other’s behaviours.  It is time to look at ourselves, at our own fears of what might happen, to look at what it is about our own disempowerment that makes us believe that power is being abused by someone else.  We need to acknowledge our own unconscious tendencies to seduce, to manipulate, to use our sexuality in ways that are not wholesome.  And we should above all let go of the idea that there is some perfect state, that is occupied by a perfect man in whom we can invest our own expectations, and have the gratification of disappointment and judgementalism.

It’s time that we clean up our act around sex.   Our current safe boundaries are tomorrow’s frontiers.

Jon

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